In her work on kindness, the University of Sussex psychologist Gillian Sandstrom calls these conversational gambits “small, humanising acts”. It’s important to emphasise the “small” aspect. Sometimes I think people are overwhelmed by the “bigness” in their mind of the fear of interaction, and how disproportionate that seems next to the “smallness” of the pathetic reality. Don’t read too much into passing moments. Trust yourself to read social cues and work out how you stand in relation to them. Know yourself and your own personality. Not everyone wants to talk and not everyone wants to be talked to. And that’s OK. It can depend on the day and on your mood. Give yourself get-out-of-jail-free cards in these conversations. If someone doesn’t respond, assume they didn’t hear you or they’re having a bad day. If someone talks to you and you feel uncomfortable or you’re having a bad day, it is not your job to be kind or nice. If their attempt was well meant, they’ll get over it. We don’t need to avoid each other. But we also don’t have to be on niceness autopilot all the time.
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Алевтина Запольская (редактор отдела «Бывший СССР»)
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